Students, Faculty and Staff welcome back! We genuinely hope your summers were enjoyable and productive, we only ask you to spare us the details in passing. Barely Legal is a self-explanatory column that delves into the lifestyle issues that confront VUSL.
Jon and Kelly would like to make a disclaimer to any concerned 2Ls: We understand that this is your softball team name, but not to worry, we received the appropriate clearance from Todd Schafer (the primary authority on all issues involving the class of 2010) to use your name. By the way, he sold you guys out for free without any hesitation while reflecting on his golf game in the beer garden at Duffy’s. We also assume full proprietary interest in the name Barely Legal, which to our knowledge has never been used elsewhere. We decided to put Legally Brunette and Brunetter in a better place which was long overdue. Now back to questions from concerned students.
Dear Barely Legal,
As a 1L from out of town, I’ve come to realize there’s not a lot to do around Valpo. My mentor is a total weirdo, and I’m just wondering who I should meet in the upper classes and who I should stay away from. Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Sarah Social-Climber
Dear Sarah Social-Climber,
You are correct. There’s not a lot to do around Valpo. This means that your social life will rely heavily on events thrown by the Student Bar Association. Ergo, the first person you should get to know is your SBA President, Laura Wishart. Wishart is the prepubescent-looking blonde in the pony-tail running the halls like your own personal cheerleader. If Wishart isn’t busy tending to the needs of first dude, Jeff Wishart, she will likely heed any concerns you may have.
Also, sorry to hear your mentor is a “weirdo.” Policy Paul Kulwinsky worked very hard to make the best pairings possible based on the biographical info given. Kudos to Paul. Your mentor is not intended to be your best friend but rather a voice of someone who has experienced what you are going through. The mentors also signed up in droves for the free polo shirt provided. Regardless of your mentor’s intentions, their insight is better than none, and there are plenty of other people to get to know. As for who not to meet, that is debatable and not for this column. Just beware of those who are overly eager to provide you with outlines for classes. Chances are their intentions are not aimed at your academic improvement. Good luck.
Dear Barely Legal,
I am sitting in Professor Lind’s Civil Procedure class and I’m very nervous because I just read that she has a strict attendance policy and I’m prone to be late. What should I do?
- Justin Barkley
Dear Justin,
Please adhere to generic coach advice. To be early, is to be on time. To be on time, is to be late. And to be late is to not even bother showing up. This is especially true in your case because Professer Lind enjoys dismissing any late arrivals. Also, don’t worry about surpassing the absence limits set forth by any syllabus. The simple fact is this is a completely empty threat. Trust us, we know based on personal experience that the professors are not going to administratively withdraw you for not showing up to your classes. There are several living legends around here that have shown up for a handful of classes and instead opted for Professor Glannon’s intense review session only to receive the Honors A.
Dear Barely Legal,
As a competitve-natured 2L, I’m concerned that the Cardozo Cup softball tournament will give way again to the farce that is the perpetually winning 3L class. PLease tell me that the officiating will finally be enforced this year.
-Tooly Mc 2L
Dear Tool,
The good news is that this year’s 3L class may be cool enough to integrate their kegs with the rest of the student body. This is mostly due to the fact that the SBA keeps providing less beer. Please do not confuse this as an attempt at some kind of inter-class camaraderie, but rather a pragmatic solution to the SBA’s lack of political fortitude at standing up to pressure from the administration to take away our student-fee funded beer.
The tough news is that there has always been stellar officiating provided by the VU baseball team and they continue to do a great job. There is no causal connection between the 3L class winning every year and some implicit form of cheating. Please relax and remember that you too will eventually be a 3L.
Regards, Jon & Kelly
Jon Berbari and Kelly Kruger are both 3Ls and can be reached at jon.berbari@gmail.com and kelly.kruger@valpo.edu
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