The Forum

Robert A. Elliott II and S. Hunter Noble

Congratulations Forum readers! For the next few months you’ve been awarded the pleasure of reading the most in-depth, up to date football news available. Put away your newspapers, log off your computers and set down your remotes. All the information you need is available in this convenient monthly column.
Actually, that’s a lie. You won’t receive any unbiased, truthful, or even logical news during your time reading our column. What you will get is a wealth of useless banter and ramblings from a portly bear and a stocky stallion that both hail from lands where the catfish swim free, the deer run wild and camouflaged Busch Light’s flow like the falls of Niagara. To all the so-called sports pundits who roam the halls of Wesemann and are already anxious to slander this pearl of an article…save your opinions for John Bayard’s columns. He takes criticism much better than us.
Over the course of this football season, we’ll be providing you with expert answers on stimulating questions like: Why is the SEC better than the Big Ten? Is roasted corn really as cool as roasted hog? How many ounces of sweat does Rob produce in a week? Does Hunter love anything more than processed pork and encased meat? These are all questions we can happily answer.
In this month’s edition, we’ve analyzed every major team in every major conference down to the age and country of origin of their water boys. We know more about the 2009 football season than Professor Bushbaum knows about treatises and pocket parts. Be on the lookout for next month’s edition when we enlighten you with a whimsical read about our adventure to a Valpo High football game.
For now, turn your air conditioner on blast, go put on your furry underwear, start a cozy fire, put on the melodic sounds of Europe’s “Final Countdown” and prepare to be entranced by the soothing literature of the Fried Football Report…

Rob and Hunter’s Fearless 2009 College Football Forecast

Pac-10
Favorite: USC-What has 4 legs, is smoother than a Kenny Loggins’ song and will totally crush you? Two fold answer, a sabre-tooth tiger and the offensive tandem of Joe McKnight and Matt Barkley. The early loss to Washington definitely hurt, but expect the Trojans to tear through the rest of their schedule like a gang of bloods bullying the intellectual property club.

Dark Horses: California-With USC coming into Berkley with more injuries than the 7th Calvary after Little Bighorn, this game could have upset potential. Washington-Not only is Seattle home to Starbucks and grunge hippies, it is also home to the most well kept secret in college football. QB Jake “white vick” Locker is keeping the houseboat fans of Seattle begging for more. Oregon-Unless they change their name to the Mighty Ducks and Emilio Estevez comes in to coach, don’t expect much out of the Nike darlings.

ACC
Favorite: Virginia Tech-Chesapeake Bay speed + Lane Stadium = ACC Championship. Look for Tyrod Taylor and the rest of his 757 cronies to run the table. If you’re unlucky enough to draw an invite to Lane after the sun goes down, be sure to bring nunchuks and a coat of armor because the Hokies turn into werewolves at night.

Dark Horses: Georgia Tech-There’s a lot to love about the Jackets this year. They have a rushing attack that is angrier than an old man sending back his soup at Jimmy’s Cafe and former Navy coach Paul Johnson has his team on their P’s & Q’s.
Miami-While football stars in the Midwest are munching down corn, gridiron heroes in South Florida are chasing down rabbits and trying to make a difference. Rick Ross isn’t the only one moving things in the MIA. Coach Randy Shannon has the “swagga” moving back to the “U.”
Florida State-Once upon a time, Seminole players could shoplift at their leisure and Coach Bowden was as regal as King Poseidon. Nowadays, the ‘Noles are like a roast beef dinner. You still think it’s good, but you don’t get excited about it.
North Carolina-Tobacco and basketball. That’s what North Carolina does. Right? ACC champions they are not, but look for them to be the best team east of Tennessee, north of South Carolina, and south of Virginia.

Big Ten
Favorite: Ohio State- Coach “I wear a vest because it looks awesome” Tressel always seems to be the belle of the ball in the Big Ten. Terrelle Pryor may be young and inexperienced, but he still has enough talent to stomp all the other Big Ten donkeys. Look for the Buckeyes to be taking care of the rest of the Big Ten’s proverbial dates at the end of the party this season.

Dark Horses: Iowa-So you pulled an upset against an overrated team coached by a 163 year old man. Big deal.
Penn State-Admit it, you want Joe Paterno to be your grandfather.
Michigan-“Yo, Matt Barkley, I’m really happy for you. I’m gonna let you finish, but Tate Forcier is one of the best freshman quarterbacks of all time!”
Michigan State-Ford’s stock has started to rebound. Why can’t the Spartans?
Wisconsin-We don’t actually believe the Badgers have a shot, but we really like cheese.

Big East
Favorite: Who really cares?

Dark Horses: Just for the sake of writing, we’ll pick Cincinatti to win the Big East. For the record, we have no respect for the Big East and the only reason we chose ‘Nat Town was because we both really enjoy Skyline Chili.

Big 12
Favorite: Texas-While the beaches of Corpus Christi and the oil patch towns of West Texas might be more unattractive than Andy Erickson in a neon speedo, the gridiron heroes from Austin actually look pretty good this year.

Dark Horses: Oklahoma-Everything is bigger in Texas. Sorry Okies.
Oklahoma State-Recruiting violation? How did you guys land Dez Bryant?
Kansas-Attention: Jayhawk football players, stop fighting the basketball team. They’re the only thing that’s ever happened to Lawrence.

SEC
Favorite(s): Florida-Brett Favre’s illegitimate kid, known to most Americans as Tim Tebow, literally walks on pristine lakes of Gatorade. This kid could probably play 11 on 1 and still score. In the very least he would lose the game, hold a press conference with President Obama and promise to win the next 50 games, cure global hunger and find a way for snaggled tooth pre-teens to straighten their teeth without braces.

Alabama-Julio Jones, who is apparently of both Mexican and African American descent as his name suggests, has the quickness of a puma and the strength of a wild lion on HGH. Even though the Tide lost the massive mound that was Andre Smith, don’t be surprised to see the boys from Alabama doing the stanky leg in post-game celebrations come early December.

Darkhorses-Ole Miss- Coach Spurrier made it known to the world that Jevan Snead was NOT the best QB in the SEC. Turns out the Ole Ball Coach can still call it.
LSU and South Carolina have a chance to contend. However, the odds of that happening are about as promising as Rob and me taking Beyonce and Scarlett Johansson out to nice seafood dinner.
Tennessee-Coach Kiffin, you have an inferiority complex.
Georgia-Choke artists.

Robert and Hunter can be reached at robert.elliott@valpo.edu and samuel.noble.valpo.edu respectively

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 1st, 2009 at 4:21 pm and is filed under 1-Ready for Editing, 2-Ready for Final Edit, Sports, Viewpoints.You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.