Fried Football/Barely Legal Compilation (do not publish to website, needs reformatting)
Posted by: hlooby in 3-Ready for Publication, tags: Fried Football/Barely Legal CompilationBy: Robert Elliott, Andrew Erickson, Hunter Noble and Chas Koop
Sports Writers & Columnists
Winter is here and that means one thing. It’s time to stop running 5.06 mi on 11/16/2009 at 7:15 PM with a pace of 7′18″/mi and start concentrating on packing on those essential pounds necessary to get you through the Valpo winter.
Since the writers of Barely Legal and Fried Football Report have been preparing themselves for winter cuddling, we’ve decided to work together to pump you up. Did we say pump you up? We meant plump you up. That’s a good joke. Trust us.
Here’s some tips on winter survival taken from lessons learned from Mother Nature herself. And what’s the greatest beast in all of nature? Da Bear(s)!
| It’s important to study the bearhavior of Russian bears since many say that the Russian winters rival those of Valpo. It’s common knowledge that every Russian family trains their bears in the arts of unicycle riding, small hat and vest wearing, and the sweet science of boxing. However, their staunch adherence to socialism (aka laziness) leaves it unprepared for winter, often making them depend more heavily on a liquid rich diet. Rocky may have existed amongst the Russian winter elements, but this bear has neither the heart of balboa or fear of facing a man with a 10,000 PSI punch.
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Now, since the Valparaiso University School of Law is one of the most diverse law schools of all time in the history of Northwest Indiana, it’s only proper to relay the winter survival tips learned from studying winter “bearhavior” across all cultures. We’ve analyzed the most successful bears since the Mesopotamalithic time era and have pitted them against each other in a Battle Royale of survival that would make even Bear Grylls shed a tear of jealousy. We hope that you can incorporate these bearhaviors into your own Valpo winter survival scheme. But, if that’s too much responsibility for you to handle then simply do what the European bear does and call in the American bear for relief.
Russian Bear
| Unlike more self-sufficient bears, European bears generally depend on the kindness of other stronger, more-well prepared bears. Most European bears store their food in purse-like shoulder bags instead of caves or dens. The most fashionable of all the bears, European Bear has set the standard for everything sassy, fashionable and fun during the winter months. While this bear may not win any war without the help of others, this trendy species has created a Pax Romana of sorts amongst both bears and crepe eating Elton John enthusiasts alike. |
European Bear
| Although often criticized during the off-seasons for his lackadaisical attitude and gluttonous diet, his stocky legs provide him with a stable frame to carry his weight and excel in everything cool and tough. When frightened, the American Bear fights not flights…obvi! Other skill sets include but are not limited to: open paw fishing, frying things, steel working, negotiating union disputes, posing for 15th century Italian art, crew cuts, making Smores, telling scary camp fire stories, being a leader on the internet blogging stage and building national monuments. These skill sets have pushed American Bear to the forefront of all things awesome, patriotic and free. |
American Bear
| The Koala Bear has five fingers, an overused opposable thumb and a feisty attitude similar to that of its Australian forefathers. Sounds like trouble! Scientists are still unsure whether or not Australia actually has a winter. However, they did host the Summer Olympics which has led researchers to speculate that maybe Australia could have a winter. Additionally, Koalas remain motionless for 16-18 hours a day. Such a lethargic predisposition lends further credence to researcher’s belief that Koalas are well-equipped to handle the rigors of Jack Frost. |
Koala Bear
| From frolicking in the rice paddies to scaling the mountains of Nagano, the panda can adapt to many different environments. In recent years, the panda population has been depleted from overhunting. Panda pelts are ideal in the construction of both dominos and faux Dalmatian coats. “The Goonies,” a recent blockbuster hit, translated the Panda’s rallying cry of “Never say die” into the films’ own maxim, “Goonies never say die.” As a result, the panda has been piggy-backing off its new Hollywood success and are poised to rebound against poachers and other brother ursidae (ursidae is science for bears. Idiots) |
Panda Bear
Best Bet: If you’re looking to survive NW Indiana you’re definitely going to have to Bear Down. While all of these bears possess unique and desirable characteristics, a bear that appreciates freedom, toughness and the fine arts is your best bet towards braving the cold.
Winner: Beara Americana (Latin for survivor).
The 3 Stooges Plus Chas are all 2Ls and can be reached at Robert.Elliott@valpo.edu.
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