MMA Monthly Matchups: April

By Dan D. Hallberg

It’s time to take a look at what smacks will be thrown down this month. There is a lot of bad blood between these competitors, so these fights are going to get nasty. Let’s take a look!

Judge Judy vs. Justice Clarence Thomas, USSC 139, 4/20/2011

Why hasn’t Clarence Thomas spoken in an oral argument for the past 5 years? Because he lets his fists do the talking! His opponent, meanwhile, prefers to pound her opponents with sassy banter until they are forced to give up. She might have problems trying to implement this strategy against Thomas, since he seems to be able to avoid being goaded into any shouting war thrown at him. Look for Thomas to sit, looking extremely bored for the majority of the fight as he waits for Judge Judy to tire out her voice out, then swoop in and win the majority decision.

Valparaiso School of Law vs. Temperate Climate Conditions, Strikefrost: NW Indiana, 4/20/2011

This fight may not be for the title, but it’s one the fans have been wanting to see. VUSL has been dominant as of late, knocking out Pelzer Hall, Tabor Hall, and the Library cold. But they may have finally met their match with moderate weather conditions coming on the horizon. That being said, VUSL has shown that it has the ability to triumph over adversary when it was majestically able to make it colder in the building then it was outside last month. Look for the Law School to struggle through the spring months, but then surge in the summer as the heat and humidity allow it to make its classrooms unlivable again.

Westlaw vs. Lexis Nexis, USC 97, 4/20/2011

Two veterans square off against each other in one of the evenest match ups this month. Both sides have similar tools and skills at their disposal so it is going to be hard to decide which side will come out on top. It all depends on whether West will be able to lock in its Keycite submission, or will Lexis be able to just Shepardize West the entire fight on the way to a decision. Reps from both camps have been trying to convince me that their fight is the best but it’s still too close to call. In the end I have to go with Lexis in this fight due to its experience in the field and because they’ve bribed me with copious amounts of rewards points.

Champion, Reading Assignments vs. General Law School Population, UFU 123, 4/20/2011

It’s the fight we’ve all been waiting for, as the longest reigning champion goes to work. Reading assignments have pretty much been beating everyone that they have faced, grinding out decisions against student after student until their will is broken. People who fight the champ just end up exhausted and heartbroken as the stare numbly off into space and try to collect themselves. I would like to say that the challenger is exciting and up to the task, but the student population has done nothing but dodge reading assignments their whole career. Look for this one to be long, painful, and never ending, with reading assignments always being too much for the general law school population.

By:  John Bayard

Staff Writer

This month I met with Professor Vandercoy and discussed many aspects of his law career and life.

John: So Professor Vandercoy why did you decide to give up your flourishing career as a folk singer and become a law professor?
Professor Vandercoy: I found it was easier to lip sync to a class of law students than to sing real music in front of a live audience. I also heard that you get higher admission prices with law students than concert attendees. It was a natural move since most of songs are about legal ethics anyway.

John: While you were here at Valparaiso University School of Law, you created a new sport involving Law Students. Can you tell our readers more about it?
Professor Vandercoy: While I actually created two sports. The first involves not placing enough seats in the law library and than watching as students struggle to find a place to sit. The second is actually a running bet between the faculty in which I place answers to exams in several of the tort books in the law library and see how long it takes for students to find them. As of this date, no students have even opened those books.

John: Can you describe the time you managed to take down a 500 lb Grizzly Bear using only the rules of evidence?
Professor Vandercoy: What a fun time that was. First I confined the bear with hearsay evidence rules and then smothered him with the new pocket part of Title 16 of the United States Code. However I realized that the statute I was smothering the bear with was a new subsection of 16 U.S.C. §1538 which prohibits smothering of Grizzly Bears with the United States Code. Fortunately enough for myself I was walking my man-eating shark at the time (I was a bio-engineer before becoming a great folk singing legend and had been able to engineer a shark that can breath out of water) and the shark fought off the bear for me. Congress is currently amending the statute to prohibit law professors from bio-engineering man-eating sharks. What’s next, prohibiting law students from bio-engineering man-eating sharks?

John: What do you feel is the best teaching method? Teaching students while scuba-diving or while sky-diving?
Professor Vandercoy: Personally, I prefer scuba-diving. The oxygen rich breathing suits really help the students focus more. Further, they are more incline to answer questions quickly when surrounded by my bio-engineered man-eating sharks.

I like to give my thanks again to Professor Vandercoy for agreeing to have this interview.

John Bayard is a 2L and can be reached at forum@valpo.edu